I was on a leisurely stroll in Kansas city, hours before our 34th and last date on our tour when I came across a sight that would excite any red-blooded american male born in the last 25 years...A shiny, mint condition DeLorean.  So of course I wanted to check out the interior of the car that I had thought was real time machine until I was 17.  

As I pulled the handle and the gull wing door whooshed open, someone growled, "Hey dickhead get away from my car".  Since I'm really smart I could only assume that it was either the 1950's Biff Tannen or the Biff from the alternate 1985.  I had to make a split second decision, I can either wait for Biff to kill me or....I jump in, hit 88 and leave Biff stuck here in May 08.

Instead I pussed out and turned around.  It wasn't either of the Biff's...or Billy Zane...it was just some fat dude that looked like the comic book guy from the Simpsons.

As I walked away dissapointed that a guy that lame could have such a kick-ass car, my mind began to wander.  Since the Box Elder tour would be finished in a couple hours I thought, if I had jumped in and went back in time, what part of the tour would I return to? What would I change? Who would get punched?

I would've stopped Todd Sklar's last minute sleep-deprived crazed bets on 8 Belles, 10 minutes before the Kentucky Derby.  Maybe without that added pressure tragedy could have been avoided.

I wouldn't have spent all the money that Todd won on the Kentucky Derby on Chartrousse and top shelf scotch.

I would have made sure Todd had gotten out of the bathroom before I left our hotel room in Austin..saving him 4 hours of solitude due to a faulty door lock.

Definitley would not have let Maury out of the same locked bathroom later that night.  If he doesnt understand the consequences of his actions he'll never learn.

After I let Maury out of the bathroom I would not have called him a "total pussy" and susequently locked myself in the bathroom from the inside just to prove to him that I could get out.  That was just a really bad idea.  An hour later I was released; hungry, pissed and felt like a total pussy.

I would not have trusted Maury Steinman when he convinced an inebriated Alex to do a cannonball into a "beautiful" fountain... that ended up being filled with gravel.  I got knocked out when I crashed a luggage cart trying to chase him... actually that one was really funny, I wouldn't change that one.

I would've videotaped Brian Sturgill behind that 7-11 dumpster when he was showing a group of chicks his "feats of strength". One of which included Brian ripping a giant superball in half.  I felt like I was watching a mother lifting a car off of her injured child.  Such raw beauty.

I would have grabbed myself and Brian at that frat party in Austin and explained to them that If you steal a frat dudes football or beerbong you will get punched.  Instead we stole both, I got punched while Brian was "keeping watch" outside.

Brought my own VCR so we could enjoy the Eraser tape that came with the tour van.

Heres a quick tip for any time traveler: Fast forward through the part in "In the Line of Fire" when Clint Eastwood and Rene Russo are making out.

I would've definitely have remembered to fill up the van before we left Des Moines so we wouldnt have had to stop at the weirdest fuckin gas station ever which involved the wierd cashier (who looked like a Budnick from Salute Your Shorts), informed me and Brian about the "free" hot dogs that put us on the can for 2 days. I'm still not sure he even worked there.  

I would have stopped anyone on the tour from starting or participating in any kind of expresso/hot dogs/Dewars/starbursts/Mojito/ eating or drinking challenges. We lost a lot of good men on the tour who were trying to be heroes.  

I would've brought some blankets and cocoa to Me and Brian who decided to sleep in the van in Boulder when it was like 5 degrees out. Well, I guess I could just tell them to not sleep in the van.  That would have made that next morning a lot less awkward.

I would definitely have started earlier in my plan to get crazy homeless guys to talk to Maury.  I only started in Chicago and its really fun, if you tell crazy bums to go talk to Maury its kind of like you get to watch the "Fisher King" like...five times a day.

Actually looking back, remembering those highs and lows, recalling how much I've learned and how much I've grown in these 3 short months I wouldnt have had it any other way.  Spending it with some of the most kick-ass road warriors on earth wasnt too shabby either.  Comic book guy can keep his fuckin DeLorean, I wouldnt have changed a fuckin thing.

...no return address. traces of arby's sauce on the side. and stamps from both the US and Canada, as well as a grumpy post-it note from my mail carrier that I owe him $1.42 for the remaining postage...we'll see about that...

the only thing in the envelope was a handwritten version of this letter...i have transcribed it for you:

MONDAY MAY 19TH 

SUP DUDES?!

This blog has been sitting in my gournal for a few weeks. I was all trying to get morris to post it but he's like, "hey alex, why don't you eat the tops off all of my muffins, shave a stupid mohawk into your head, and get into a fight with pat's brother's fiancée?" ...needless to say, I took that advice...

wounds healed, stomach full, and ready to roll....here they be:

(Circa Austin, TX late March, 2008 thru Minneapolis, MN early April)

TUE, MARCH 25

After waking up and picking up Todd, Alana took the boys to a kick-ass breakfast taco joint and scored some serious grindage before we rolled up our sleeves and got down to businass.

4:00pm: Brian spotted this open mic night at Kick Butt Coffee which is a karate themed coffee place.  We all cruised over their to check out the joint so Sturg could sign up and we could do some computer work.

4:27pm: We have to leave because we broke the internet.

4:28pm: Fuck that we're not goin anywhere.

Went to ThunderSubs and scored some sammies.  Deliciousness ensued. Then we went back to Tazza Fresca and shot some emails and shit.

We left coffee-ville and are going back to the hotel to have a Motley Crue style gangster hotel sex party. Minus the chicks, Vince Neil, or heroin....and is actually four dudes drinking beers and watching Worlds Funniest Police Shootouts 4.

12:15pm: Me and Sturgill drove around for like an hour looking for beer but apparently they stop selling beer at 12:00.  Worst party ever. Totally lame-o's.

WED, MARCH 26

Got up and got some sammiches at FoodHeads again. Real good.  Me and Sturg hit the streets and hung up posters and shit at the Student Union and shit. Alana met up with us after class and took me and Brian around town to all the hot spots and dorms and shit.  Todd picked us up and we went to Tazza Fresca and shot some emails. Todd took off to go to dinner with Alana and the rest of us dudes headed to Jorges to watch some basketball and scarf some relleños.  We met back up with

Todd and he and Maury went to Kinkos to photocopy their butts.  Me, David and Sturg went to the Velveeta Room for open mic so Sturg could rock the house.  A lot of the other dudes sucked but Sturg totally rocked and wasnt blackout

drunk which i think may have handicapped the other comics.

Big ups to ROONNIE VELVEEEEEEETA

THUR, MARCH 27

spent all day going through like 500 Minneapolis blogs trying to find any that are film related to send a press kit to...I found 3 kind of...the rest are all cat blogs...

FRI MARCH 28TH?

11:15pm: Got some beers, snacks and comfy socks, preparing for commentary...start drinking beers.

1:15am: finally stop fartin' long enough to start recording commentary...still drinking beers

2:30am: Still recording, still drinking, snacks are long gone, getting hungry....

3:00am: Commentary over, Todd leaves, and we are very drunk and very hungry...only thing we have to eat is a bag of weed brownies...

3:15am: Ate the weed brownies.  

3:30am: Maury got locked in the bathroom.

SAT MARCH 29TH

Got up and got food at really good breakfast place.  Me and Sturg snuck into this big frat party (Alana helped).  Everyone was wearin crazy day-glo t-shirts and fanny packs and sunglasses and shit. I told Brian that it looked like Spring Break 1994 and he said "Yeah where the fuck's Pauly Shore?" That was funny.  There was a kick-ass Jimmy Buffet cover band and all these drunk chicks were dancing in front of

the stage. it looked like "The Grind".  Still no Pauly Shore or Dan Cortez.  Those dudes were cool but they ran out of beer so we had to bounce.  Sturgill, Alana and I then drank some tallboys behind the dumpster behind a 7-11.  We snuck into a different party across from the 7-11.  I saw Sturgill surrounded by a bunch of drunk chicks and he was impressing them with his feat of strength which was ripping a

giant superball in half.  Which he did.  Which was awesome.  Met some kid that looked just like Mark Cuban.  Me and Brian got kicked out for trying to steal a beer bong and a football.  Frat dudes LOVE beer bongs and footballs.  Got chiliburgers and onion rings and passed out at like 11.

SUN MARCH 3OTH

Got up and picked up Todd and Alana and had lunch at Whole Foods. Totally awesome.  I super pumped because they had a kickass buffet.  I felt like a fat fuck though because they had to weigh your tray when you pay and mine was 7 1/2 pounds.  Sturgill threw a water bottle at Maury and he laughed so hard that he puked water out of his nose like a super soaker. Totally gross but also amazing.  We dropped off David at a BBQ and Sturgill dominated yet another open mic night.

We also got the new Box Elder postcards which look fuckin' sweet!!! Get yours today!

MON MARCH 31ST

We all got up at 9 and picked up Todd.  Me and Sturg got dropped off on campus to hit the streets while the rest of the dudes went to the coffee shop.  We met up with Jake and he showed us the film and communications buildings and we cruised around there talking to dudes and chicks about the movie.  We also saw the Gutenberg bible. Pretty holy.  It started raining so we got some Foodheads and sat down for a little while.  Todd got locked in the bathroom at the hotel and had to

break the door to get out.  We hit the Dobie and Maury got all the shit hooked up and we set up our ticket table.  Alana brought like 50 people which was awesome.  The kid that me and Sturg were partyin with who looked like Haley-Joel Osmend also came.  I didnt think he would. I guess he was just paying it forward.  Got pizza. Tried to go to sleep but Navy Seals was on so I had to finish watching it.  Went to

sleep.  

WED APRIL 2ND

Went to Lawrence and did the Q&A and hit some bars.  Their was some solid wrestling on ESPN Classic and we watched Sgt. Slaughter fight some communist guy and then the communist guy's partner ran into the ring and Slaughter fuckin beat both of them.USA!!!!USA!!USA!!!!.  Some girl barfed in the bathroom and we left.

THURSDAY APRIL 3RD

Me and Maury and Mary went and got some french toast and omelets.  We

met up with the rest of the dudes and SHIT I LEFT MY PHONE CHARGER IN

AUSTIN.  THIS SUCKS.....It took over 12 hours to drive from Lawrence

to Minneapolis. We checkout out maury's pad (he's got some really good muffins that i'm totally gunna snarf...) We all got locked on the roof of his house, he jumped 2 floors down to the ground to let us in, we went back to Todd's house and then went to

sleep....

As anyone who visits this site more than once a month will have surely noticed, the blogs have not been coming fast or furious. Fret not young ones, fore there will be many a blog this evening...

Alex has blogged like 80-100 pages and I will spend the rest of my night/life preparing them for public consumption. 

Be on the lookout, and check back often....

Too drunk to blog? or too cool? wrong.

All apologies for lack of blog posts...there have been massive hemorrhages in our abilities to manage eating, sleeping, making a tour and blogging.

From now on, no one sleeps until Alex and Sturgill contribute their piece of the pie to the feast we are providing to the good American people. Wet your necks, unbuckle your belts, and sit back with a glass of bourbon, we are going on a trip...

Monday, Mar 10, 2008

5:00 am: As we head south toward Dallas I cannot help but feel reminiscent of our ancestors crossing the mythical Ice Bridge from Asia to Canada hundreds of years before us.  I feel a kind of kinship with prehistoric man now, he was fleeing from dinosaurs, us running from the equally scary demons of our own psyche.  I believe that we in both of our journeys we had a similar feeling of excitement and fear of the unknown, both of which helped bind their traveling communities together, much like the five young men in the Chevrolet Van feel that they must stick together to stay alive in the Lone Star State.  Those early settlers journey may be long over but our adventure has just begun, I think The Boss said it best, "you cant start a fire without a spark".  If a spark is what these boys need to survive Texas, then there gonna blow that mother fucker up.

Oklahoma has too many fuckin tollbooths, where is this money going?    ‘

2:00pm: As soon as we tore through the Texas border we immediately began blasting Maurys extensive CCR collection through our shitty ipod radio receiver.  To celebrate our arrival Todd allowed us to purchase one item from the first gas station we stopped at.  Coincidentally we all chose giant knives that we started playing with as soon as we got in the van.   

2:03pm: We are not allowed to play with the knives in the van anymore. 

3:00pm: Todd brought our attention to a trailer driving next to us full of "small horses". They were cows.   

5:00pm: We arrived in Dallas. It was hot.  We are playing at Mark Cubans theater. I was hoping it was gonna be really weird with crazy shit on the walls but its looks like a normal theater.  Weak.  It does have an escalator that only goes up though..which was sort of weird.  Me, Maury and Todd ate lunch in silence and just stared at this stockbroker-looking guy eating a cheeseburger and drinking a martini and telling some lame stockbrocker-type story about mergers or something.  I could tell the lady he was talking to the whole time didnt care at all what he was talking about.  Hilarious.  I think she was a hooker.   

7:30pm SHOWTIME!! We sold a bunch of tickets and the manager guy said we could have free sodas.  A rousing success!!  After the movie we had some well deserved beers and dinner at David's friend Mandy and John's house.  They were totally awesome and had a giant barbeque waiting for us.  I ate too much food and passed out in the van on top of a deflated air mattress.         

Tuesday, Mar 11, 2008  

9:00am: We had to leave Dallas wicked early because Todd had to be in Austin to act in a movie.    

2:00pm: Dropped off Todd and got some sandwiches at FoodHead. I got roast beef and brie with mustard.  It was really good. I also got an orange soda.   

4:00pm We had milk and cookies at Todd's girlfriends house and then went to the hotel to do some work. The internet doesnt work at the hotel.    

7:00pm: Me and Maury are now at a coffee place having an expresso-drinking contest.  I think both of us lost.   

9:00pm: Just reallized that no one has come to pick us up is becasue the keys to the van are in Maurys pocket.  The van is at the hotel. Crapballs.    

9:05pm: TTTwo..MMMore EEEEEXpressssoo's PLLEEEEase!!

Woke up on an air mattress in Boulder in some sweet, dude-bros’ basement to the smell of bacon and eggs upstairs.  Rennie is on the couch.  My excitement waned quickly after discovering the food was not intended for us.  Todd, Maury, and Jason pick us up and we hit up Half-Fast Subs (get it?) to scarf some grindage.  It is delicious and the menu is bigger than most restaurants.  By the way, Jason is a total hunk.  Girls follow us around because of him, which is nice. 

We all split up and Rennie, Karen Garmin, and I hop in the van and head to scope out Denver.  We meet up with Jim, who let us stay in his totally unfurnished pad on our air mattresses.  Downtown Denver is awesome and apparently you can make a living there by playing guitar into oncoming traffic.  We go out for some beers and on the way some women stop us and ask our names are Jeff or Teegan.  For future reference, answer yes if anyone asks you this.  “From now on, my name is Jeff Teegan.” - Rennie

We go back to Boulder and cruise the CU campus showing them the trailer.  Rennie trips and falls like a punk freshman.  Some skate bros do ollies over him when he is on the ground.  Totally owned.

We go To Denver and sneak onto the Auroria campus late at night and sidewalk chalk the place ninja style.  Cops try to stop us, but our charm cannot be resisted.  (One of them said he might come to the movie.)  The next day we hit up campus again to talk to people and hand out fliers.  Our Bro Diem is running low so we hit up Wendy’s for a cheap lunch.  Snack attack.

We go back to Boulder and hit campus all day.  Afterwards Jason takes us up to a lookout/ makeout point above Boulder.  It was bromantic.  Then we go to an unbelievable Nepalese / Indian place in the mountains for dinner.  The sun sets in the mountains and it looks like a Bob Ross painting.

Back in Denver late at night, locked out of Jim’s place, holding all of our stuff.  People think we are homeless and huddling by the building for warmth.  A homeless guy walks by with his dog and we sympathize with each others’ struggles.  When we wake up the next morning Jim is gone and a maintenance man is accusing us of being squatters.   Amanda shows up and that night we had the screenings in both cities and had to boogie back and forth between Denver and Boulder (Q&A-TEAM).  Afterwards we went out on Pearl Street to party with Garrett, Deirdre, and some bros.  We go to a bar with a mechanical bull that allows couples.  Yikes.  Afterwards, we grab a slice at Cosmos Pizza.  Later, Rennie and I sleep together in the van.  Hottest and coldest I’ve ever been.

Sunday, March 16th, the year of our lord, 2008

In good spirits due to our exit from the assfarm that is Nebraska, we venture west, as our frontier wandering forefathers once did towards the Colorado territory. After a mostly pleasant ride towards our final destination of Fort (Fart Collins) Colorado, we hit a deep fog in the heart of Cheyenne. Maury drove in less than 0 visibility while we all imagined the horrors that could be awaiting behind the fog...flaming dragons, Atreyu from the Neverending Story, a giant boot...or piles of mangled, flaming cars...only one way to find out and thats not stopping in Cheyenne and venturing onwards!

After safely braving the fog, mother nature crapped on us again, in the form of a winter blizzard through the spikey turns of the rocky mountains. True story: while cautiously driving on our way, a piercing shriek of terror from what sounded like a 13 year old girl, resounded in the night, as Todd startled us all to attention just in time to be present at our own deaths as the 45 foot Walgreens semi-truck we had been tailing since Cheyenne started skidding and ultimately flipped over right before our eyes. These are the things Pulitzers are made of. Miraculously, we were able to avoid collision and disaster and death, all thanks to a little help from our man in the sky (word up JC). 

Finally, we land in Fart Collins, it is a winter wonderland, splendid and gay (gayer once we arrived) Apparently, despite the progressive, independent spirit of this community, the only place to get some food on at 10pm is, "Old Chicago or Perkins or some shit..." Luckily, we find a bar that serves us up a slice or 4, and we leave just in time to avoid trouble with all the sweaty ska kids who just got out of a Reel Big Fish concert (for the curious, i overheard a girl who totally snagged the setlist and they closed with 'Beer' )

Monday Mar 18, 2008

We gotta show this movie tonight. It's St Patrick's Day and the entire town is plastered by noon. Brian and Alex spend the day talking to drunk people about the movie. They ended up walking 2 miles to the New Belgium brewery it was going to be super awesome, but they were super closed... Brian used his 007 charm to sweet-talk their way through 2 security checkpoints to gain access to the main facility. They were promptly removed from the premises. A man in a Statue of Liberty costume offered to do Brian's taxes, true story. Fortunately, Brian is a man of the utmost diligence, and has had his taxes done since early January. Way to go pal.

A feisty young lass drives by in a sporty Jeep and yells out the window at the clearly sober dudes, "GET DRUNK" - The screening is near so they take heed and begin drinking with Maury, who earlier in the day, ingested some potent pain medication for his aching back, which combined with high altitude sent him into a 12 hour health recession. However, analysts are predicting an upturn in the market and full recovery by morning. 

The screening was a smashing success. The little theater known as the Lyric Cinema cafe was very accommodating towards us and our fans...We bust outta town after the Q&A and head to Boulder, CO to find some kind buds to cure wot ails us...

If the President was anything like the city, I would've shot him too.

The Lincoln Logs - Day 1:

7:00am Alex, Sturgill, Maury, David and Todd all leave Missouri to start off this fucking tour...Except Todd, the man who wrote and directed the movie, created and established this distribution model decided to have a minor heart attack 12 hours before we were scheduled to leave town, so his defective ass stayed home to sleep in, and undergo luxurious heart tests...fuck that guy...Off we go, sans our fearless leader...

We stopped at a gas station in Kansas City and saw a guy with a claw from the future. Future man stared us down as we made our way out of Missouri, hinting at what was to come...Still cannot get Eraser tape to play in the VCR

Gas station in Iowa where we tried to get a picture of Alex with a wild skunk, but he got angry and tried to spray him instead...Saw a truck telling us our Future was being delivered..

Got to the Joyo theater to see "Box Elder" on the marquee 47 feet high in neon lights...it was awesome...the rest of Havelock did not seem so spectacular. As we drove around, avoiding dirt piles trying to find our motel, we pass USA Steak Buffet, we got a BIG kick out of that.

2:20pm Drove around for an hour looking for the Econo Lodge which turned out to be a Holiday Inn. Eraser tape still not working. Super hungry. 

2:21pm Still hungry. Guy at Holiday Inn gave us directions to the airport. I think they want us to leave. We should have taken his advice. 

Talked to people on campus. Broke a guys windshield trying to put a flyer under it. Nothing to do in Havelock after screening. Bacon and eggs. Bed. 

No sign of Todd. 

The Lincoln Logs - Day 2:

10:30 am We got up and went to the Westfield mall to talk to people about our movie. Alex tried to get the Easter bunny to come, but we don't think he'll be there. Fuckin' jerk.  We talked to a bunch of loser goth kids and mallrats (only 3 of which were cool) Apparently, we had some competition with Horton Hears a Who and Step Up 2. Kids in LIncoln are stupid. Todd claims his heart is not yet ripe for implosion, and will be departing Columbia, Missouri, "no later than noon, [he's] just gotta shower and then they are heading out."

12:00pm After dropping off some flyers at the 1 or 2 cool establishments in Downtown Lincoln, (Jake's Cigar's, and a record store nearby I don't recall the name...)  Ventured around the Trendy Art's district of Haymarket and met a 50 year old biker named Lucky, who just stepped off the train and stole a Green GMC pick-up right before our eyes...(Look for him around 71st and Joyo) 

1:00pm Sklar update: "There is 23 minutes left on this transfer, we need some Gushers, and then I'm picking up Kamau and Amanda, we'll be there for the Q&A"

3:00pm We got some awesome sammiches at Bison Witches and then headed back to good 'ole Westfield mall to hit the afternoon mall-walkers. 

Todd confirms that he "just got on I-70 and will see us soon WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

5:30pm: Goodbye Westfield mall, Hello Havelock!! Things are looking very promising for tonights showing. Maury calibrates the projector (has no fucking clue what he is doing, just makes Dwight adjust the settings a bunch to make it seem like he does)

We gots some bomb-ass pie at the Isle Pizzeria, see our first non-ironic Cowboy hat and Sturgill gets mistaken for Jack Black for the 4th time today. 

7:30pm: The Joyo Theater is fucking packed to the gills with 80% of Westfield Jr. High in attendance, a prominent Baker and his family, and a kick-ass dude who plays the didgeridoo. Well played boys. We celebrate with lots and lots of beer.

9:30pm Screening ends with a bang, Rennie and Maury handle Q&A duties, there are tons of enthusiastic questions. 

10:00pm Look what cat dragged in, Todd finally shows up with Kamau and Amanda just in time to say goodbye to all of the fans who took time out of their Saturday night to watch his movie. 

The Lincoln Logs - Day 3:

Getting the fuck out of Lincoln...

 Comrades,

I'm writing from Allied Post in LA, where we're doing our final sound mix, and let me be the first to tell you, we are inching closer to bringing you a finished movie-film. Our mixer, Mr. Woody Woodhall, is a major dude, and he knows where to find the good hot sandwhiches around Santa Monica. As you can imagine, that's a microcosm for his sound mixing abilities, which are quite tasty to say the least.

For future filmmakers; the funny thing about doing your final sound mix is; that there is nothing funny at all about it. It's incredibly tedious and mindfucking, and I'd be blind and naked in the wind w/o the help we're getting from Woody and his team, so next time you're in Santa Monica, stop by and give 'em a high five and a sandwhiche for helping out your old pal Todd. Also, we've got some new video content headed your way in a few days. Perhaps. But most likely we do.

Til then,

Col.Sklar

Comrades,

I've just returned from the snowy mountaintops of Sundance where I bore witness to a masterpiece of a film entitled Anywhere USA. It won a special jury prize from Sundance and a special bury prize from me. As in "I wanna bury my head in the sand and not take it out until I get to watch Anywhere USA again". Chris Drury could not be reached to comment. On the other hand, the first of many video blogs hast been posted. You can find it here. This one was filmed a few weeks ago and features myself and Mr. Rennie. He is making omelets, as he so often does. We hope you enjoy.

Comrades,

Good news from the front lines; we were featured on the cover of Vox Magazine this week. You can find the article HERE

Tis a fine piece of journalism, so go check it out. More of a filmic update is on the way, or in the works, whichever leads you to believe it's gonna take longer than promised. til then.

Welcome to the Box Elder website. This site is here, it has always been here, and will always be here. Consider this a formal invitation to spend countless hours exploring the minutes of content we have. If you stick around long enough, eventually, something new will appear (maybe a sense of purpose, or a porpoise) Regardless, please enjoy the site. Soon enough there may actually be something for you to enjoy.

peace, love and sandwiches

-Morris